Tag: life

I took the day off today (How I diagnosed myself with executive dysfunction)

Posted on by Life is Surreal in executive dysfunction, gulit, musings, unemployment

(Featured image by Alina Perekatenkova on Unsplash)

When I first got notice of my layoff, I had all sorts of plans to do all the things I didn’t have the time and energy to do when I was working full time. I started off pretty strong, but as soon as I got the new job offer and my time off became limited, I kind of dropped the ball. I do things, but not the challenging (for me) things I had planned (see below), opting to mostly take it easy. Today I am taking the day off completely and spending the day on the couch. And I feel completely guilty about it.

For context, here are some of my best-laid plans for the near future:

  • Deep clean house
  • Clean and organize closets
  • Write every day
  • Read everything
  • Go to gym every day
  • Roller skate
  • Take a ski lesson
  • Visit all the friends
  • Do magick

Everything, everywhere, all at once

When I was growing up, there was no such thing as executive dysfunction or ADHD, or if there was, no one ever talked about it. This goes for many more forms of neurodivergence, as well as mental illness, but that’s another blog.

When I did start hearing about ADHD, there was always a focus on the “hyperactive” element. And while I may be many things, hyperactive is not one of them.

The first time I saw a social media meme describing executive dysfunction, I felt seen. I don’t actually ever use that phrase “felt seen,” but it seems appropriate here.

If I were to diagnose myself as having ADHD, I’d probably be wrong because I can spend hours in concentration if I’m into what I’m doing. But ask me where I put my keys or my phone and I go into a panicked search for them—usually when I’m already late getting out the door. Plus, and don’t tell anyone this, I can be really flakey.

Someone told me this was all a sign of an anxious but also creative mind. I’ll take that as a fact, but is it though?

Today is no exception

I wanted to do all the creative things: read, write, finally start knitting that sweater I have all the materials for. So far after being up for 8ish hours, this blog is what I’ve done. I’ve barely gotten off the couch. I did also watch yesterday’s episode of General Hospital and have been binging The Rookie Feds. The first because I’m obsessed—oh my god, what is Esme going to do?!—the second because it came on Hulu after GH and for whatever reason, I got hooked. I mean it does star the woman who was in Reno 911! so it has that going for it. It’s completely and totally unrealistic and great for escapism. In my defense, I have limited TV right now because my firestick with my local channels streaming service isn’t working and I don’t have the energy to go through all the other streaming apps we have to find something.

Since we’re here: do you have a favorite streaming service that has local channels and also Discovery Science but doesn’t need a firestick?

By the way, I don’t trust anyone who says they don’t watch TV.

Where was I?

Ah, yes, ADHD. You know what? I did some laundry today too. If I ever buy another house, one of my must-haves will be the laundry on the second floor. Ours is in the basement and I was just so happy to actually have my first washer and dryer since I lived at home (25+ yeas ago) that I didn’t care where it was. Rookie mistake.

Maybe we all just need a break

Since I haven’t worked in a job in over a month, I’m probably not the right person to say that perhaps I just need some total downtime without guilt. However, even though I haven’t been working in a job, I’ve been extremely busy. I probably do deserve to spend a day on the couch not doing anything I planned to get done. We all deserve that, right? Without feeling guilty about it.

But why is it so hard to do?

Diary of the temporarily unemployed

Posted on by Life is Surreal in musings, synchronicity, unemployment

(Featured Image: Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash)

I had really been needing a break so initially when I was laid off, I wasn’t mad. It’s funny because whenever one of my amazingly talented friends gets laid off, I tell them to enjoy it because it won’t last long. In creative fields, well nowadays in any field, layoffs are frighteningly common, so we’ve all come to expect, albeit dread, it. And at first, I was taking my own advice, my positive perspective no doubt coming from a generous severance package and leftover PTO–and of course, three weeks’ notice of termination date. 

It’s only temporary . . . probably.

Now this is not the first time I’ve been laid off, it’s the fifth. Even I was taken aback a bit when I realized how much it’s happened. But in my defense, three of the companies actually shut down. There is definitely fault to be attributed in those closures, but in these cases, it wasn’t mine. But we don’t need to visit that.

Well, there was the teaching fiasco

That’s another story altogether. Shout out to all my principals who fully supported me. If you’re doing the math, that’s three out of four of them. (I had to recheck my spelling of “principal” and to do so, I thought of the mnemonic device: “the principal is your pal.”) Principal number four was NOT my pal, and yes, I am still very very bitter about it.

Are you though, number 4, are you?

Post-exit strategy

This time around, I had big plans to work on my own writing and job search and do all the things I didn’t have the time or energy to do while I was working. I was going to create a structured day, because without structure, I’m pretty much useless. The plan included the gym, my own writing, looking for a job, getting marketing certifications, and the much-needed cleaning of the house.

I even thought about writing a column called, “Diary of the laid off,” which would, of course, have a much better title. (Note: despite the title of this blog, that column idea was fleeting.)

A rose by any other name . . .

The day before my last day, the gravity of the layoff hit me. When I told my therapist about it, he repeatedly referred to the situation as “being fired.” Even though it’s probably just semantics, I’m going to stick with “laid off” for all intents and purposes (as well as ego). I find termination to be a very harsh word as well, but I suppose there’s really no warm and fuzzy way to say your job is ending.

All of this made getting out of bed even harder than usual. But it also didn’t help that mornings are really cold now, the cats curl up next to me every morning, and I really didn’t have to stick to any schedule since without real obligations, I failed to set one up for myself.

What about the rest of my plans, you ask.

Three and a half weeks after my “termination date,” I’m writing the first thing other than resumes and cover letters. Now is probably a great time to shoutout my friend who gifted me time at a coworking space, which led to me meeting a woman who holds a writing group DURING THE DAY (you all know how I feel about going out at night). And today before I left for said coworking space and writing group, I cleaned the downstairs bathroom. I’m going to call all of this progress. I’ve also gotten two more marketing certifications and watched all the newest documentaries on cults. Have you seen the ones about Mother God? Fascinating.

I’m also spending probably way too much time at the gym, and if I had any self-control over my diet, I would be so muscular and sculpted right now. But you know, pasta and bread and tacos and New Haven takeout . . .  you get it. Why give up one of the few pleasures in life?

Mmmm . . . funnel cake.

I am getting much stronger though, between injuries, which is really the point of it all. But it’s also an awesome “f*ck you” to the trainer who told me I’d never be able to keep a workout routine on my own. I even went to the gym with a boot on when I broke my toe (also at the gym, see “This Little Piggie Went to the ER), and damn right I made sure he saw me there with it on.

Overall, the first two weeks were a mixed bag. Honestly, if it weren’t for the financial aspect, most of the time, I would have been enjoying the break. But being a responsible adult, saddled with grad school debt and all the other bills that adults have to pay to live, I couldn’t fully enjoy my unexpected free time.

Well, that was unexpected

I don’t know if you believe in synchronicity, but you probably should. Unless you don’t want to–really the choice is completely up to you. We have enough of the government telling us what we can and cannot do with our bodies and our sexuality, I would never tell you what to do and think. (Note: If you are a racist, homophobe, TERF, or xenophobe, I will certainly tell you what I think about what you do and think.)

Anyhow, the night before my last day at my abovementioned job, I applied to one that seemed like the perfect match. Ironically, it was my boss from the job I was leaving who shared the posting on LinkedIn. He had been let go a few months ago so if I said I wasn’t expecting my time to come, I’d be lying.

The very next morning, which coincided with my last day on the job, the HR department from the place I applied reached out to see if I could interview with them. I could. The following Thursday I drove up to the office and met with two people who I really enjoyed speaking with. The following Tuesday, HR reached back out to see if I could meet with one more person that Thursday. Of course, I could. Aside from the fact that mid-thought while answering a question, I totally forgot what I was talking about, I felt like it went pretty well. About an hour later, I got the job offer.

Right now, I am literally between jobs as I don’t start my new one for another month. I think this (paid) break is really good for me and I’m enjoying it. By the time it’s over, my house will even be a little cleaner.

That said, I’m incredibly excited for the next, and hopefully final, chapter of my career.

Sometimes the universe gives you the rather aggressive push you need to make a change.

Thanks, universe. And thank all of you who have helped me through this and beyond.