Tag: anxiety

I took the day off today (How I diagnosed myself with executive dysfunction)

Posted on by Life is Surreal in executive dysfunction, gulit, musings, unemployment

(Featured image by Alina Perekatenkova on Unsplash)

When I first got notice of my layoff, I had all sorts of plans to do all the things I didn’t have the time and energy to do when I was working full time. I started off pretty strong, but as soon as I got the new job offer and my time off became limited, I kind of dropped the ball. I do things, but not the challenging (for me) things I had planned (see below), opting to mostly take it easy. Today I am taking the day off completely and spending the day on the couch. And I feel completely guilty about it.

For context, here are some of my best-laid plans for the near future:

  • Deep clean house
  • Clean and organize closets
  • Write every day
  • Read everything
  • Go to gym every day
  • Roller skate
  • Take a ski lesson
  • Visit all the friends
  • Do magick

Everything, everywhere, all at once

When I was growing up, there was no such thing as executive dysfunction or ADHD, or if there was, no one ever talked about it. This goes for many more forms of neurodivergence, as well as mental illness, but that’s another blog.

When I did start hearing about ADHD, there was always a focus on the “hyperactive” element. And while I may be many things, hyperactive is not one of them.

The first time I saw a social media meme describing executive dysfunction, I felt seen. I don’t actually ever use that phrase “felt seen,” but it seems appropriate here.

If I were to diagnose myself as having ADHD, I’d probably be wrong because I can spend hours in concentration if I’m into what I’m doing. But ask me where I put my keys or my phone and I go into a panicked search for them—usually when I’m already late getting out the door. Plus, and don’t tell anyone this, I can be really flakey.

Someone told me this was all a sign of an anxious but also creative mind. I’ll take that as a fact, but is it though?

Today is no exception

I wanted to do all the creative things: read, write, finally start knitting that sweater I have all the materials for. So far after being up for 8ish hours, this blog is what I’ve done. I’ve barely gotten off the couch. I did also watch yesterday’s episode of General Hospital and have been binging The Rookie Feds. The first because I’m obsessed—oh my god, what is Esme going to do?!—the second because it came on Hulu after GH and for whatever reason, I got hooked. I mean it does star the woman who was in Reno 911! so it has that going for it. It’s completely and totally unrealistic and great for escapism. In my defense, I have limited TV right now because my firestick with my local channels streaming service isn’t working and I don’t have the energy to go through all the other streaming apps we have to find something.

Since we’re here: do you have a favorite streaming service that has local channels and also Discovery Science but doesn’t need a firestick?

By the way, I don’t trust anyone who says they don’t watch TV.

Where was I?

Ah, yes, ADHD. You know what? I did some laundry today too. If I ever buy another house, one of my must-haves will be the laundry on the second floor. Ours is in the basement and I was just so happy to actually have my first washer and dryer since I lived at home (25+ yeas ago) that I didn’t care where it was. Rookie mistake.

Maybe we all just need a break

Since I haven’t worked in a job in over a month, I’m probably not the right person to say that perhaps I just need some total downtime without guilt. However, even though I haven’t been working in a job, I’ve been extremely busy. I probably do deserve to spend a day on the couch not doing anything I planned to get done. We all deserve that, right? Without feeling guilty about it.

But why is it so hard to do?

back to the office sort of

Posted on by Life is Surreal in musings

(photo: Volodymyr Proskurovskyi, Unsplash)

after almost four years of working from home, i worked in an office today. it’s a coworking place right downtown new haven and i’ll go one to two days a week. it was a weird feeling like being at a new job but without the anxiety of starting a new job. the best part is that i have no schedule there and can go and/or leave whenever i want. that said, i’m thankful for my set required working hours because when i freelanced and didn’t have that structure, i was way too distracted. in fact, i really sucked at it.

i think this is a great investment for my mental health and overall wellbeing. let’s take a look at the cons and pros. cons first because, well you know.

CONS

there are people

i probably can’t wear my pj bottoms and sweats

there are endless food choices in walking distance

i may drink entirely too much iced coffee (but really, is that even a thing?)

it’s hard for me to work without my 2nd screen

there are no cats

parking costs money and i had one hell of a learning curve today trying to exit the garage

after work i have to drive home before flopping on the couch

i have to get up even earlier to get to the gym and shower before work (which doesn’t always happen in that order when i work from home)

PROS

there are people

these people are incredibly ambitious and creative

i can wear all those clothes (and shoes!) i bought before covid

there are endless food choices in walking distance

they sell little portable laptop monitors

there are no cats, specifically orange ones, who headbutt my hand and mouse constantly and also try to sit on the laptop

the office has a ton of natural light

it’s in a great part of new haven

it is right next to a good coffee shop and around the corner from elm street market (which is also the door to the parking garage)

on the days i’m there i may actually stop working at the end of work day rather than loosing track of time and the it’s 6pm

if i can’t live in the middle if a city, at least i can work there

Dancing in the Uncomfortable Zone

Posted on by Life is Surreal in musings

For those of you who have been following along and already know that I can’t do anything outside of my comfort zone without overthinking, overplanning, and just neurotically obsessing (and for those of you who know now), I’m cancelling my Pod 51 hotel room (which I rebooked for $28 less and will re-cancel). I figured out that I would have to work about 18 hours at the festival to just cover the hotel and sure I can do it, but I’m cheap, I mean frugal, and since I probably won’t be working that many hours, I would essentially be paying to work. I am going for the experience and not the money, but paying to work is just kind of stupid (insert my mother’s “I told you so”). If I want to pay that kind of money, I’ll just buy a 1-day ticket and not work at all. More on why I am not doing that below.

Final decision: work all day Saturday, take the train home, repeat on Sunday. Sleep all day Monday.

I summed that up nicely in one sentence, but it took many more sentences for me to finally decide on the final-ish plan. Shout out to the friends who endured that with me and also to you all for sticking with this blog.

Anyhow, after making my decision to cancel but before I actually did it, I thought I’d see what the cards said.

I asked: What is my current situation and what should I do? I used the Midnight City Tarot because it seemed appropriate.

Interpretation: The first card is telling me that I shouldn’t spend the money on the hotel room especially since we are having our electrical panel replaced this weekend (owning a home sucks), and there are a whole lot of other things I want to spend it on that are more fun than renting a bed and bathroom for about 7 hours during which I would mostly be asleep. The second is telling me not to go forward with my hotel plans and instead, get this, to take the train home. I mean there’s literally a train station in the image.

Thanks again, universe, for your voice of logic and cheapness.

This whole thing is kind of weird because usually I’ll take any opportunity to go to New York. I’d love to spend a night and/or stay forever.

And I’ve worked at festivals and events before (see flyers below I dug up yesterday along with a whole lot of memories, good and bad, while going through the boxes our flooded basement ruined–remember what I said about being a homeowner). I actually prefer to work than just attend. I get bored and sleepy really easily if I’m just hanging out. No offense to the friends I go with, you are super awesome to be around, I’m just really tired.

This one, though, is way out of my comfort zone because I’ll be alone and also coming home pretty late on the train. And I have no idea what to wear! I mean, seriously, what do I wear? To make it more uncomfortable, I’m not really familiar with the scene, other than my Spotify lists, which I do listen to all the time. Yeah it’s an EDM festival. If you smell smoke, it’s just my goth card on fire in the corner.

But I am going and am very thankful to the friend who shared the opportunity with me. I’m still going to overthink and overplan, and if you think I’m not going to keep looking for that perfect hotel deal, you’re clearly not paying attention.

So tell me, what are some of the things you’ve done outside of your comfort zone?

What did you do to calm your anxiety?

How did it work out?

I want to know for real. That said, if it kind of sucked, maybe hold off on telling me until Monday.

I read something that said, “Life begins where you’re comfort zone ends,” and I think we can all agree that whoever wrote that is an idiot.