Tag: angst

I took the day off today (How I diagnosed myself with executive dysfunction)

Posted on by Life is Surreal in executive dysfunction, gulit, musings, unemployment

(Featured image by Alina Perekatenkova on Unsplash)

When I first got notice of my layoff, I had all sorts of plans to do all the things I didn’t have the time and energy to do when I was working full time. I started off pretty strong, but as soon as I got the new job offer and my time off became limited, I kind of dropped the ball. I do things, but not the challenging (for me) things I had planned (see below), opting to mostly take it easy. Today I am taking the day off completely and spending the day on the couch. And I feel completely guilty about it.

For context, here are some of my best-laid plans for the near future:

  • Deep clean house
  • Clean and organize closets
  • Write every day
  • Read everything
  • Go to gym every day
  • Roller skate
  • Take a ski lesson
  • Visit all the friends
  • Do magick

Everything, everywhere, all at once

When I was growing up, there was no such thing as executive dysfunction or ADHD, or if there was, no one ever talked about it. This goes for many more forms of neurodivergence, as well as mental illness, but that’s another blog.

When I did start hearing about ADHD, there was always a focus on the “hyperactive” element. And while I may be many things, hyperactive is not one of them.

The first time I saw a social media meme describing executive dysfunction, I felt seen. I don’t actually ever use that phrase “felt seen,” but it seems appropriate here.

If I were to diagnose myself as having ADHD, I’d probably be wrong because I can spend hours in concentration if I’m into what I’m doing. But ask me where I put my keys or my phone and I go into a panicked search for them—usually when I’m already late getting out the door. Plus, and don’t tell anyone this, I can be really flakey.

Someone told me this was all a sign of an anxious but also creative mind. I’ll take that as a fact, but is it though?

Today is no exception

I wanted to do all the creative things: read, write, finally start knitting that sweater I have all the materials for. So far after being up for 8ish hours, this blog is what I’ve done. I’ve barely gotten off the couch. I did also watch yesterday’s episode of General Hospital and have been binging The Rookie Feds. The first because I’m obsessed—oh my god, what is Esme going to do?!—the second because it came on Hulu after GH and for whatever reason, I got hooked. I mean it does star the woman who was in Reno 911! so it has that going for it. It’s completely and totally unrealistic and great for escapism. In my defense, I have limited TV right now because my firestick with my local channels streaming service isn’t working and I don’t have the energy to go through all the other streaming apps we have to find something.

Since we’re here: do you have a favorite streaming service that has local channels and also Discovery Science but doesn’t need a firestick?

By the way, I don’t trust anyone who says they don’t watch TV.

Where was I?

Ah, yes, ADHD. You know what? I did some laundry today too. If I ever buy another house, one of my must-haves will be the laundry on the second floor. Ours is in the basement and I was just so happy to actually have my first washer and dryer since I lived at home (25+ yeas ago) that I didn’t care where it was. Rookie mistake.

Maybe we all just need a break

Since I haven’t worked in a job in over a month, I’m probably not the right person to say that perhaps I just need some total downtime without guilt. However, even though I haven’t been working in a job, I’ve been extremely busy. I probably do deserve to spend a day on the couch not doing anything I planned to get done. We all deserve that, right? Without feeling guilty about it.

But why is it so hard to do?

Oh hi, Mercury Retrograde

Posted on by Life is Surreal in musings, Tarot

I figured that if I were going to get back to blogging, a Tarot spread for the start of Mercury Retrograde would be a good place to begin. Of course, that means I should have a greater understanding of what Mercury Retrograde is, especially because I now work for an occult book publisher (yay back in publishing and in a genre so perfect for me!). But if I’m being honest here–and I am mostly always honest in my blogging for better or for worse–I don’t get astrology at all. It’s entirely too complicated for me. I do know, however, that Mercury Retrograde can be bad.

(Note: If you’d like to learn more about this retrograde astrological event, check out this article on Today.com by our friend Lisa Stardust.)

So as I try to revisit my Tarot practice, which I’ve been slacking on for about 30 years (see, honesty), I’m taking you with me. Are you excited? Here we go.

Spread: Mercury Retrograde by Owl and Bones Tarot
Deck: Not So Mystical Tarot by Jenn (who I credit totally for getting me back into the practice after taking her class, which you should all take)

*Note, if you happen to follow me on Instagram and you look at my grid, you’ll see that the photo directly below the post featuring the above photos is also of The Tower. Because of course it is.

Card 1: What could you rethink?

The Tower: How I think: Everything is terrible! It’s absolute chaos! It is the worst possible scenario of all the things that can ever happen! Anxiety is my brand.

Card 2: What could you redo?

5 of Swords: How I respond to certain situations that will not be mentioned here: Self-pity, worried about what others think, jumping to conclusions, taking my ball and going home because my feelings are hurt over something that really (or usually) is only in my head

Card 3: What could you reconnect with?

5 of Pentacles: The part of myself that refuses to be a drama queen or martyr, my confidence, self-esteem, my energy (I mean this quite literally, I’m always exhausted.)

Card 4: What could be reevaluated?

8 of Cups: The way I spend my free time and also the way I get mad at myself when I just want to watch tv or play games

First I ask again, why do the cards always give me the same type of message? I see you, universe, I do, but surely you have other things to tell me. (We’ll discuss synchronicities at a later time–insert shameless plug for book, which features an entire chapter on that very topic.)

Now my takeaway: I need to stop panicking over pretty much everything and stop feeling sorry for myself for not doing the things I want to do. Don’t get me wrong, self, lying around playing Bingo and Toon Blast is a great way to relax, but maybe do a little more of some other things. Write, skate, knit, do more deadlifts (although not until your neck injury is fully healed) . . . maybe even finish painting your bathroom (did you hear that, Mom?). Something.

That seems to be an appropriate message going into Retrograde. And to be fair to myself, I have kind of already started. Look, I’m blogging!

Oh and don’t you worry. There will be plenty of blogs moving forward filled with panic and self-pity and just general angst. I mean, have you met me? Have you read the book? (Doh!)

Did I just age myself with a Homer Simpson reference even though it’s a really good reference? Am I going to age myself over and over again? Wait until I start talking about my arthritis and my CPAP machine.

But hey, feel free to tell me all about what ails you as well. I am at that age where aches and pains are the subject of many of my conversations–with other people as well as myself. And angst for all! (Not that I wish it on you, but if you don’t have any, tell me how you do it!)

Did I mention I have a computer pen now so I can actually draw for you too?! How lucky are you! Maybe one day I’ll show you my drawing of an alien abduction, which I drew during a really boring meeting years ago, that my very best friend framed and hung on her wall. It’s still there decades later. I love her. But not just for that.

Welcome aboard, friends, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Oh and by the way, I am a Leo.